Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Conversation with a Toilet in Yokohama

Conversation with a Toilet in Yokohama
(a few years from now)

Toilet: Welcome to Takashimaya, and thank you for using our Interactive Restroom and Restorative Spa. Our genetic aroma-lyzer indicates you are an English-speaking American, of African-American descent, from the North Eastern portion of the United States, and that you have been living in Japan for over a decade. Is this data correct?

Me: Yes

Toilet: Ah! Our voice analyzer has identified you as Baye McNeil. Welcome back, McNeil-san! And thank you for continuing to patronize our store. Though our records indicate that you have never purchased a single item in 10 years of weekly visits, we still look forward to serving you in hopes that you may make a purchase in the near future.

Me: I'll think about it...

Toilet: Of course you will! May I be so forward as to call you Baye?

Me: I guess so.

Toilet: Thank you, Baye-san. Shall we use your usual settings?

Me: Ummmm...

Toilet: While you're pondering that, and if you have a moment-- and our bladder and bowel sensors indicate that you do-- may I bring to your attention some new services we have added since your previous visit last month?

Me: Sure, why the hell not....

Toilet: Why not indeed! Of course, if our data is erroneous and you have an...ahem...urgent need to use the facilities, please--

Me: Actually I'd like to have a heat massage of my lower back, legs and feet.

Toilet: Excellent choice. As you desire. Will that be all, Baye-san? New menu items include our refreshing and invigorating Chai Global Enema with Ero-Nanobots! Records show we have yet, in over 190 million users, had a single dissatisfied customer.

Me: Meh...

Toilet: And our Green Tea nano-colonic is all the rave...Even the emperor himself has--

Me: Nah, I'm gonna pass on the nano--

Toilet: You really enjoyed your nano-enema last time! You might recall. Our records show:

(Recording of my voice begins playing: "Holy Fuck!! Ohhhhhh Baaaabyyyyy!")

Me Yeah, I remember that. It was amazing, really. I'm not knocking it...just...well, I'll think about it.

Toilet: As you wish, sir. Your seat has been disinfected, configured to your body's dimensions and warmed to your optimum temperature. Please have a seat.

Me: Thanks...

Toilet: Before we begin, as usual, we need you to verbally sign our disclaimer. In summary, this Restroom Spa facility is made available by Takashimaya for enjoyment purposes only, and at your own risk. Despite its use of nanotechnology, it does not provide specific medical treatments. By using this device you understand that--

(Loud pleasurable moans issue from another compartment)

Toilet: --Ahem-- another satisfied Customer, eh?

Me: Certainly sounds like it!

Toilet: That it does. So, as I was saying, Takashimaya can not be held liable for any injury resulting from this toilet's use. Do you understand and agree to follow all rules and restrictions listed on the display on the door before you? Please say "yes" or "no" now.

Me: Yes.

Toilet: Wonderful...well, shall we begin?

Me: Yep!

Toilet: Thank you, Baye-san. Enjoy yourself!

(15 minutes later...)

Me:Ohhhhhh Baaaabyyyy Yeaaaaaahhh! This is what I'm talking about!!!

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